chicken.

stuffies.

the boys wanted me to post a picture of all their favorite stuffies. they are so proud of the names they’ve chosen for them—and not all of them are from thomas!! that’s got to be some kind of developmental breakthrough, right?

meet beans.

and buckles.

and bamboo.

crackers the lion.

captain (or captain smelly farts if they’re feeling punchy).

al.

pal.

sunny (max’s bear).

blocks (alex’s bear).

truck.

and their newest edition, spencer the giant—and i do mean giant—panda! (thanks uncle scott and auntie ashley!)

and there you have it. their room is officially a jungle. rawr.

dog heaven.

last week my friend darby dropped by with this book for the boys, dog heaven. her family recently lost their dog henry and this book helped her 2-year-old daughter, mia, understand what dog heaven might be like. you guys, this book is precious—from kitty-cat- and squirrel-shaped dog biscuits to cloud beds to god smiling at the dogs from behind a tree—every page is a wonder. the boys ask me to read “the eddie book” every night at least two times (mostly three). and each time i read it, it makes me feel better. so i will read it as many times as they ask!

thank you, darby! you’re the sweetest!

smelly fart.

harrison the elf hasn’t even been gone one whole day and the boys break out the naughty language. nice.

all a blur

i can’t believe christmas is over! we had a most wonderful time—from christmas eve at uncle skip and aunt linda’s to christmas morning at our house to the snow! what? snow on christmas in atlanta? you betcha!! here are a few of my favorite pictures.

alex and papa ger’ on the ukuleles.

max making baby katelyn giggle.

jingle alex.

santa baby.

max in the middle.

alex has a soft spot for momMyrt. he quietly climbs into her lap each time he sees her. so sweet.

santa brought bicycles!

papa ger’ and all his grandbabies.

silly katelyn.

katelyn’s first-ever christmas present.

a new best friend.

totally sacked out.

snow!

i hope you had a very merry holiday! next stop: new year’s eve!

ps—allens and nickersons, if you got pictures of more than just alex and max, please send them to me!! i’d love to have photos of everyone, but for some reason our camera seems to stay glued to the twins. thanks!

happy christmas!

little stinkers.

just wait until santa sees these …

and not to be outdone …

stinkers. i mean, it’s not as if i tell them not to touch the tree 100 times per day. so what was so enticing? they spotted the mickey mouse in the car ornament. mickey!

robbie and katie!

tripper’s cousin robbie and his soon-to-be bride, katie, stopped by tonight to play with the boys on their way to see uncle kevin and tripper play hockey. i have never seen the boys that excited or have that much fun. the boys are going to be ring bearers in their wedding in june—i can totally hear it now, “no robbie, that’s MY katie!” ha! they sure do loooove her!!

thanks, guys, for popping by! i think it’s just what we all needed. and, the boys went right to bed with no fuss after you left. you must be magic!

Sent from my iPhone.

one week.

it’s been one week since we lost our beloved eddie. i haven’t been ready to tell the story, but now i feel the need to. my emotions are still raw, so i’m sure it’ll be scattered. one day i’ll come back and edit. if you don’t feel like being sad, please just skip on over this post.

last tuesday, eddie still wasn’t showing many signs of progress—i mean, he had his moments, but that’s just what they were. moments. tripper and i basically had an all-day discussion over email and IM trying to decide what to do. around 3 o’clock that afternoon, eddie lost control of his bowels. he was just lying on his side, totally unaware that he was pooping. i let tripper know and he gently said to me that he thought we had let our idea of what a good day was for eddie shift to such low expectations that we really were thinking only of ourselves. he called the vet and left a message to discuss eddie. the vet called back later that night and i answered the phone. he said he’d really prefer to talk to tripper, so i knew it wasn’t going to be good.

they talked for about 45 minutes and by the end of the call we had scheduled eddie to be put to sleep at 3:30 wednesday afternoon, december 15. what an awful decision. he went over all the logistics regarding what happens and then told us to make arrangements with dream land pet memorial center to come and pick up eddie’s body. i cried through the entire conversation. the man i spoke with, wesley, is truly an angel on earth. somehow he was able to comfort me while i was hysterically sobbing. they would be at our house at 3:45.

we gave eddie lots of love that night. then we went to sleep, or at least tried to. the next day, tripper worked from home, which was a blessing. the vet basically said i should not be alone, so instead of just coming home early as we’d planned, tripper was here the whole day. i took the boys to school and picked up krispy kreme for eddie (the vet suggested we let him eat as many doughnuts as he like). around 10:45ish, eddie sat up. he looked like a puppy—eyes frisky, sly smile. i couldn’t believe it. i asked tripper if we were doing the right thing and instead of answering me, he suggested taking eddie outside. we got him up. he walked without the help of the beach towel, though he was unstable. he spent a bit of time outside, went potty and then just stood there letting the breeze blow his fur and then let tripper know he wanted to come in. we got him in the house and down on the area rug. we got him some water and some food. he looked pretty comfortable. then tripper and i went back to the bar to work.

not five minutes later, i saw movement out of the corner of my eye. eddie had rolled from his side onto his back and his legs were sticking right up. then he sort of pulled them into his body. we sprinted across the room. right when we got to him, he took such a deep breath that his whole tummy looked inflated. we were panicked. then he started to let the breath out, along with a very low groan (my mum later told me that in england that’s called the death ratlle). he never took another breath in. it was a little after 11 o’clock.

we knew he was gone when we looked into his eyes. there was no expression there. i can’t tell you how long we sat at his side and sobbed. finally tripper got up and phoned the vet. he said the fact that eddie went on his own was a blessing—and later my parents said the same thing. that he loved us so much he didn’t want us to have to make such a hard choice, so he made it for us. the vet thought from our description that eddie had a heart attack. the high dose of steroids and constant struggle to get up just became too much.

i still can’t believe he’s gone.

the vet suggested calling dream land to see if they could come earlier. we did. sadly, their schedule was booked (lots of other sad families), but they said they’d be there as soon as they could. around 2, one man came to our door. because they squeezed us in, they didn’t have their regular crew, so tripper and i had to help. omg. the man was as sweet as can be—let us cry and tell fun eddie stories. then it was time to get him out. the man brought in what basically looked like an enormous baby bathtub. in it was a pillow, a neutral colored silky sheet with tiny chocolate paw prints on it and a matching fleece blanket with the same print, but larger. the man placed the pillow in the tub, then he and tripper gently pulled the silky sheet under eddie. they then lifted him up and i slid the tub under him. once he was in, the man propped eddie’s head on the pillow and tucked him in with the sheet. next he placed the blanket over eddie, leaving his head showing. he looked comfortable, like he was sound asleep. we placed eddie’s favorite toys, a christmas ornament and two pictures—one of tripper, eddie and the boys and one of me and the boys—in the tub with eddie. then tripper and the man lifted the tub and carried it to the waiting car. i thought it was a hearse, but tripper assures me it was some kind of suv. we said our goodbyes and the man drove away.

the next day we had to choose what to do with eddie’s remains. we picked a package called “dignity” which included transportation, individual cremation, a wooden box for the ashes and a paw print in ceramic. i ordered a second paw print for my parents. i have to say i felt very strange about the idea of eddie’s ashes coming home—i worried somehow the boys would get into them. but once the ashes did come home, somehow i instantly felt better. they are up on the highest shelf in the family room—no chance of mischevious boys getting in them—with the pawprint in front of the box. i like him there. i feel like he’ll be there to watch the boys grow up, he’ll be watching me while i work, he’ll hear every breakfast and dinner conversation—he’s at the heart of the house. it just feels right.

i miss him so much at times it’s hard to breathe. i think back to my childhood dog, jason, whom i loved with all my heart and whenever i do i only have smiles. i know in time it’ll be that way when i think of eddie, too. that will be a good day.

smackdown.

well, this is new …

… wrestling. and not of the “scripted” variety. anything can happen here. i swear my heart is in my throat 90% of the time around these two lately. i keep waiting for the shrieks of laughter to turn to screaming. but so far, they haven’t hurt each other too badly.